DISODIUM GUANYLATE? What does that even mean??

As I'm sure you might have guessed, we take food pretty seriously around here. We try to grow as much as we possibly can (last week we harvested the peanuts that the kids planted!), and make what we can't. We aren't gluten-free and luckily we don't have any allergies to work around, but all of the bread, hamburger or hot dog buns, pie crusts, cookies, pizza dough, and lately even tortillas and pasta is home made. This takes a LOT of effort, but I can't think of anything better than showing my family my love for them by feeding them the very best food that I can.

Of course, I have encouragement in this. When we are watching TV together (sans kids, of course) my husband will say helpful things to the moms in commercials for fast food or frozen pizza such as, "You're a bad parent!" And, I mean, seriously, who buys Pop Tarts and Pizza Rolls these days? I'd say you might as well give a kid a can of Crisco and a spoon, but Crisco doesn't have transfats, and I'm pretty sure Hot Pockets still do.

Sometimes my husband or kids want to take it a step further than I want to, though. Veggie burgers, for example. Yes, it's still highly processed frozen food, but shouldn't moms feel good about feeding their kids veggie burgers instead of beef? And of course this week when we were doing the meal planning, the kids requested veggie burgers - but home made, of course. "Ugggghhhhh," I'm thinking in my head. Just "uggggghhhh." I've done that before and it's so much WORK. But of course I'm a sucker, and the advantage of doing all the work is that you can make a lot at once and freeze them so veggie burgers become the easy pop-in-the-oven meal they were meant to be.

So here's how I made veggie burgers that kids love out of things that kids think they hate. Wear comfortable shoes.

You're gonna need beans.

LOTS of beans. This is a 2 lb. bag of pinto beans that I rinsed, soaked overnight, and then cooked till very soft. I'll spare you the details as I'm sure every vegetarian knows how to cook beans. I seasoned them with salt, pepper, garlic, and onion powder, and of course a bit of oil to keep the foam down.

BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE!

MORE BEANS?!

Yep, more beans. This is a one pound bag of chickpeas that got the same treatment, plus a splash of lemon juice just at the end.

Now, honestly you could probably use canned beans for this. I'm not sure because I don't buy canned beans, nor anything else that comes in a can other than black olives. Dried beans are much cheaper, tastier, and you can control the sodium content. Plus I had enough from both of these to freeze leftover batches of beans which will make pulling together curry or falafel or tacos a snap. And in fact, if you have frozen beans from other projects, just thaw those out for this. It doesn't matter what kind of beans, anything will work!

But wait! There's still more (work)! So much more (soul crushing, standing on your feet work)!

To get a meaty flavor, we're going to need some natural glutamates. Mushrooms are an obvious choice, but my kids all think that they hate them, so I sent them outside to have an epic Nerf battle while I did this part so no one would question what was in the veggie burgers.

This is about a pound of mushrooms and one large onion, both roughly chopped, seasoned with salt, pepper, Worcestershire sauce (you could use the vegan kind if you are more strict about these things than I am) and a bit of reduced-sodium soy sauce. Cook that down and then crank up the heat a bit to get some nice caramelization going.

MEANWHILE...

Soak 1 cup of medium bulgar in 1 cup water. I've tried a couple of things to supplement the texture of veggie burgers, but I like bulgar the best. The commercial products rely on TVP, which I'm sure is fine but I rarely keep it on hand. Brown rice also works well, but if you use that you're also going to have to cook some brown rice, and who needs that?

Move the mushrooms and onions to a food processor and add the softened bulgar to the same pan. That way it can soak up all the flavor left behind.

Now comes the easy part, assuming you have a good food processor. Pulse the onions and mushrooms till well chopped, then add about 3 cups of the cooked pinto beans and a cup and a half of chickpeas. Really just cram whatever you can into your particular food processor. Blend that a bit then toss in the bulgar.

Once it's mixed, scoop it out into a bowl.

Now, here I have a confession to make, but before that a short memory. At one point my mom told me that my grandmother apologized to her for something not being home made since she had used the food processor to make it. And we can all agree that that's pretty crazy, right? Using a tool doesn't negate all the rest of the effort that goes into making something at home. So keep that in mind when you look at the next picture...

YEAH YEAH YEAH SO I USED SOME PANKO. GAH.

Once I watched an episode of Good Eats where Alton Brown talked about spraying dough into an electrified screen to make it, but here he explains it a little differently:

In this recipe they really do add a lot of good texture, in addition to absorbing excess moisture to make your patties more patty-shaped. I stirred in probably two cups of panko along with two fresh eggs. If you don't have fresh eggs you might want to taste for seasoning at this point, adding salt pepper and garlic or onion powder as necessary.

Spatula from Dollar Tree. Pyrex bowl inherited from above referenced grandmother!

 Stir it all together and then it's time to make the gloopy mess ready for those nice, homemade whole wheat buns I'm sure you baked already. You could shape it by hand... OR

REMEMBER THESE? I'm pretty sure as soon as you had a baby in the 80s, the hospital handed you one of these. Every mom had one. And probably twenty or so of the little patty storage Tupperware containers with beige lids that could be frozen! And of course when you use them for meat, the beef shrinks up upon cooking so that you have tiny little hamburgers dwarfed by even standard issue grocery store hamburger bungs. Luckily for us vegetarians, beans don't shrink.

Spray every surface of this thing and a cookie sheet with non-stick cooking spray. Add about a 1/3 cup portion of the mix to the mold and press it with the plunger. There is no neat way I've found to de-veggie burger the thing other than just slamming the open side down onto the cookie sheet. Re-spray and/or wipe out the mold pieces as necessary.

Where's the beef? STILL ATTACHED TO THE COW!

Lookin' pretty meaty, right? Stick those right into the freezer until frozen through and then pop them into a bag or freezer container so that you don't have to go through all this for awhile. You can bake them fresh or frozen at 400 degrees for about 20 minutes. You might want to flip them halfway through the cooking time for nice color on both sides.

And 289375892375892370459872345 steps later, VOILA! Veggie burgers!

Wherein I cover up the fact that I am staggeringly bad at food photography with a series of online photo filters.

Homemade Veggie Burgers 

Ingredients

2 lbs Pinto beans, cooked according to package directions
1 lb Chickpeas, cooked according to package directions
1 large onion, roughly chopped
1 lb. mushrooms, roughly chopped
1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
2 tbsp. soy sauce
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 cup medium bulgar
2 cups Panko breadcrumbs
2 eggs
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 tbsp. onion powder
salt and pepper, to taste

Directions

1. Cook beans, seasoning with olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic and onion powders to taste. 
2. Add 1 cup boiling water to bulgar, cover and let sit.
3. Over medium-high heat, saute mushrooms and onion in olive oil until nicely browned. Add Worcestershire and soy sauces, plus salt and pepper.
4. Add mushroom mixture to bowl of food processor and pulse to chop. Add several cups of beans, as many as will fit. You may have to work in batches, depending on the size of your food processor.
5. In pan used for mushrooms, add bulgar and toast lightly. Add to food processor.
6. Remove to a bowl and stir in eggs and Panko, tasting for seasoning.
7. Shape into patties and freeze till firm.

Bake 20 minutes in 400 degree oven, turning once if desired. Makes 24 veggie burgers.

And while I still think the frozen kind are pretty good, it's nice to be able to pronounce everything that's in mine. Just what is disodium inosinate anyway?

From the Morningstar Farms Grillers Originals website:

TEXTURED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (WHEAT GLUTEN, SOY PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, WATER FOR HYDRATION), EGG WHITES, CORN OIL, CALCIUM CASEINATE, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF MODIFIED TAPIOCA STARCH, ONION POWDER, CANOLA OIL, TRIGLYCERIDES FROM COCONUT OIL, HYDROLYZED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (CORN GLUTEN, WHEAT GLUTEN, SOY PROTEIN), DEXTROSE, SALT, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, AUTOLYZED YEAST EXTRACT, SUGAR, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS FROM NON-MEAT SOURCES, CARAMEL COLOR, CULTURED WHEY, MALTODEXTRIN, GARLIC POWDER, SPICE, CELLULOSE GUM, DISODIUM GUANYLATE, DISODIUM INOSINATE, SOY SAUCE (WATER, SOYBEANS, SALT, WHEAT), VITAMINS AND MINERALS (NIACINAMIDE, IRON [FERROUS SULFATE], THIAMIN MONONITRATE [VITAMIN B1], PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE [VITAMIN B6], RIBOFLAVIN [VITAMIN B2], VITAMIN B12), SESAME SEED OIL, CELERY EXTRACT, SOY LECITHIN.

Falafel? More like FalAWESOME!

Being a vegetarian in 21st century America is probably a much different beast than in years and cultures past. If you miss hamburgers you can get something made of chemicals and bits of soy nearly identical to the real thing. Vegan but love cheese? Have some more soy that defies all logic by approximating real dairy goodness. Want some Kung Pao chicken, but without the dead bird in it? You can do that, but (spoiler alert) it's also made of soy.

Not that there's anything wrong with that! I love edamame, tofu, and even the processed stuff, but at a certain point you have to ask yourself, "Should I REALLY be eating this much soy?" Especially with the scary reports of GMO and Round-Up Ready soy strains crossing into the non-GMO population even when you do buy organic.

Luckily there are lots of veggie-friendly cuisines out there that branch out a little. Like most middle eastern food which, instead of being almost entirely soy, is almost entirely chickpeas! And boy do I love chickpeas. For several years now I've been trying to figure out how to make that classic vegetarian dish from the middle east - Falafel!

Personally, I love falafel. My husband loves falafel. Most sane and rational people love falafel. My kids, on the other hand, took one bite and said, "OF COURSE IT'S BAD, "AWFUL" IS RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME!" And after that falafel became the ultimate super villian around here. Not just at meal time, but in their play - "The Evil Dr. Whatever turns all your food into falafel. OHHHH NOOOOOO!" etc. The antidote for this was for someone to turn the food into "fal-awesome" instead. But now that I've finally gotten the technique down, two out of three kids will eat it. The third will probably puke it out on the table, but that's still pretty good odds in this house.

You can buy a box of mix, and that's pretty good (to me; that's what the kids hated so much), but it's nothing like the nice green, fragrant falafel you get at a good restaurant. You can try all the recipes on the internet that start with a can of chickpeas, but I've never had one turn out quite right. And even when you find a good recipe that starts with soaked dried chickpeas, the instructions often leave out one of the most important steps to ensure that the falafel doesn't just fall apart as soon as it hits the oil. But finally, after much trial and error, I have mastered falafel!


The best recipe I found came from food writer/cookbook author Mark Bittman, who is a great source for recipes of all sorts, but particularly vegetarian ones. His recipe can be found here, and it's a great starting point for anyone who likes a mild flavored falafel. When I followed the recipe initially I thought they were a bit lacking in flavor (for my taste! I like things bold!), and they did what most falafel do - fall apart as soon as they hit the oil. But the flavor was so much better than the previous few experiments that we were satisfied to just eat the batter pan fried in a large pancake-like thing that we ate as wedges; similar to cornbread. In the next attempt, I figured out what I needed to do. So here is my PERFECT falafel recipe:

Falafel (or Fal-Awesome if You're Trying to Feed it to Kids)

Ingredients

• 1 bag dried chickpeas
• 10 cloves garlic, peeled (or just however many are in a whole head, I don't believe there's any such thing as too much garlic)
• 1 large onion, roughly chopped
• 1 tablespoon ground coriander
• 3 tablespoons ground cumin
• 2 teaspoons cayenne, or to taste
• 1 tablespoon garlic powder (again, I just really like garlic)
• 1 cup chopped parsley
• 1 bunch green onions, ends trimmed 
• 2 teaspoons salt
• 1 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 tablespoon lemon juice
• oil for frying

Directions

• 1. Soak beans overnight if you remember. 8 hours is really long enough, but more certainly doesn't hurt. 
• 2. Drain and rinse beans. I always find bean-soaking water to be a bit too funky to use for anything. Transfer them to a food processor.  Add all of the other ingredients, starting with only half the salt and lemon juice so you can adjust the flavor as needed.  Blend it all together; it will be a bit grainy, not smooth like hummus since the chickpeas aren't cooked. Taste and adjust seasoning as needed.  You could really play around with any spices you like.  Anything you'd put in a dhal or curry would probably taste great. 
• 3. Spray a cookie sheet small enough to fit in your freezer with cooking spray (or use parchment or a silpat). Shape the mixture into balls about 1 1/4" in diameter, or the size of a meatball. I just scoop out a glob with a teaspoon and then roll it between my palms to give it the right shape. This recipe will probably make three dozen falafel balls at least, so you might need a couple of cookie sheets. When you fill one, put it in the freezer for at least 15 minutes before moving to the next step. You can leave them much longer before they will actually freeze, so you could do this a couple of hours in advance.
• 4. Heat oil in a pot or fryer to 350 degrees. An electric fryer with a thermostat will make this a million times easier.  Drop falafel, three or four at a time, into the hot oil. If it's deep enough to cover, cook them for 3 or four minutes until deep brown on the outside, and cooked through inside. If they aren't submerged, turn them about halfway through to make sure they cook evenly. 
• 5. Remove with a spider or slotted spoon and drain on paper towels.

You can serve these with whatever other middle eastern dishes you like,  but my favorite way is to eat them on a home made whole wheat pita with hummus, tabbouleh, Israeli salad, maybe some lettuce or balela if we have beans in the freezer. Which sounds like a lot of work, but the nice thing is that all you have to do is chop onion, parsley, tomato, and cucumber and then you can pretty much throw all of that together pretty fast.

Oh, and don't forget the sriracha! Is it traditional? Probably not. Does it make everything better? Obviously. 

Since this recipe makes a lot, you can freeze them and have falafel ready for a quick lunch anytime. I've tried both freezing the dough balls and freezing the cooked falafel. Personally I prefer the latter. Freezing the dough and then frying it when ready made them drier and not as tasty. If you pop a couple of the frozen cooked falafel in the microwave for 30 seconds you can barely tell the difference from fresh. Which makes me wonder, in this veggie burger, soy cheese world, why doesn't anyone make frozen falafel?